Every once in a while, I find it useful to take a step back and observe the little rituals and expectations that almost go unnoticed now through daily usage. These are Mistress's rules of conduct that keep my head in the right place. All of these little interactions and bits of formality have grown organically over the last couple of years.
I have come to the conclusion that these daily transactions are more important in the long run than almost anything else in maintaining the D/s energy in our FemDom lifestyle. I would be interested in hearing from others if they have similar experiences (both from the dominant and submissive perspectives).
When I leave for work, I give Mistress Laura a kiss goodbye on the lips. If I forget to do it on my own, she then prompts me, “Now give me a proper goodbye kiss, slaveboy,” and I kneel and kiss her feet. I admit that I sometimes “forget” on purpose so she can prompt me. :-)
When I return from work, I am expected to get completely naked and kneel in her office without saying a word. She is often in the middle of finishing some paperwork or writing an Email. Sometimes it takes her a few minutes (I think she is slow on purpose) before she turns around and allows me to kiss her feet. Even then, I am not allowed to say anything till she starts talking to me. I actually like the delicious anticipation and the uncomfortable vulnerable silence that underscores my place in the relationship.
When we go out to eat, I always open the doors and I pull out her chair before sitting down. She often orders for both of us. After the food arrives I put servings on her plate and wait. She will often eat a few bites before she nods, telling me that I may serve myself now.
When she takes me to a movie, she will often specify exactly how she wants me to be dressed. Often, it's “business casual,” but sometimes she will have me wear shorts and a t-shirt without any underwear so that she can put her hand on my thighs and be amused by the tent growing in my shorts.
When we watch TV, I am almost always naked and sitting at her feet. Sometimes she will tell me to massage her feet while she watches TV. On rare and blissfull occasions she will have me licking her pussy while she watches TV. All in all, the impression I am left with is that I am here to pleasure her and to make her life easier. Of course, eating her out like that always makes me horny, but she does not seem to care too much about that (which is exactly as I like it, even if I whine from time to time).
She recently bought a bell that she will ring randomly throughout the day. When I hear the bell, no matter what I am doing, I am to come and kneel by her feet so that she can tell me what she wants. When I hear the bell, my stomach does a little flip-flop and I am at her feet as quickly as I am able. Sometimes she will ring the bell when she knows I am in the middle of something that is absorbing my attention just to see me kneel there, then she will just grin and say “Good boy. Go back to what you were doing.” Frustrating, maddening and hot, all at the same time. :-)
I am to address her as “Ma'am” or “My Lady” in public. Her friends (except now for Susan) just think I am being romantic, which I am, but it's more about respect and deference. Another rule of hers is that I may never argue with her in public. We may argue in private, but you will mostly hear me saying things like “Yes Ma'am.” when we are discussing anything in public.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Very much in need of a release
When I got home tonight, Mistress sent me to the video store to get some movies, and we watched “Darjeeling Limited”
Afterwards, she had me shave my face again and meet her in the bedroom.
In the bedroom, she basically instructed me to give her a nice long massage, relaxing her from head to toe. After about 20 minutes, she flipped over onto her back and pushed my face into her furry pussy.
I love the way she smells and tastes and seeing her curly pubic hair turns me on very much. I enthusiastically licked her, following her verbal instructions to the letter (“Slow down. A little higher. Circle round. Uh huh. Good boy...”) and she had a full body tensing orgasm with an accompanying guttural sound that just about drove me nuts.
Then she rolled over and fell asleep.
This is the third night this week that she has used me like this, without any hint of giving me a release. I am very tempted to masturbate, but I won't. I know that when she finally gives me a release, it will be much better than anything I could do by myself.
Goodnight, everyone. Hope your weekend is a good one!
Afterwards, she had me shave my face again and meet her in the bedroom.
In the bedroom, she basically instructed me to give her a nice long massage, relaxing her from head to toe. After about 20 minutes, she flipped over onto her back and pushed my face into her furry pussy.
I love the way she smells and tastes and seeing her curly pubic hair turns me on very much. I enthusiastically licked her, following her verbal instructions to the letter (“Slow down. A little higher. Circle round. Uh huh. Good boy...”) and she had a full body tensing orgasm with an accompanying guttural sound that just about drove me nuts.
Then she rolled over and fell asleep.
This is the third night this week that she has used me like this, without any hint of giving me a release. I am very tempted to masturbate, but I won't. I know that when she finally gives me a release, it will be much better than anything I could do by myself.
Goodnight, everyone. Hope your weekend is a good one!
Friday, March 07, 2008
Thoughts about consent in a fulltime FemDom relationship
The comment made by strongnsubmissive in response to my previous post prompted me to ruminate on the idea of consent.
I have no safeword. My relationship with my Mistress is as lopsided as it can possibly be. She holds all the strings: she controls the money and makes all the rules. My body is hers to use. My will is hers to control.
This is all, of course, my choice.
By some definition of choice.
When she tells me to “Strip, slaveboy, and kiss my feet,” my head swims and I am in an erotic fog. I move quickly to obey, disrobing, the very fact of shedding my clothes enhancing my already existing state of vulnerability and surrender. By the time my lips are on her beautiful feet, my mind is already long gone past any thoughtful consideration of “is this really my choice?” or even “is this appropriate or safe?”
Her control of me is like a drug and I thrive on the fear and the arousal inherent in my ever present surrender. I am addicted to my Mistress.
By my own choice...
By some definition of choice.
This state of surrender and naked vulnerability (even when fully clothed) only exists inside the context of my relationship with my Mistress Wife and not in any other random interaction or relationship. It implies a level of trust that is built on experience.
For example, when I contemplate the same situation with an unknown woman who I somehow know to be dominant, telling me to strip and to kneel at her feet: it is an exciting fantasy but in the reality of the doing, I know that I would be very guarded inside; all of my emotional and mental armor would be fully operational and the act would feel like an empty gesture.
In this context of unconditional surrender, I don't think it is even possible to have a way to have a discussion about what I would like or not like, as equals, apart from the inherent power imbalance that exists. Mistress knows that when I get a whiff of something that pleases her that I will start to move my thinking and my feelings in the direction of trying to please her.
She uses this fact to her advantage and to my miserable delight.
For a relatively minor example: Early on in our relationship, she told me that it turned her on to see me naked, on my hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor. Immediately, that statement created in my mind an urge to scrub the kitchen floor. Mistress further used this urge by rationing it. She would have me do a quick cursory sweep of the kitchen floor two or three weekends in a row, and would say something like “And maybe next week, I'll let you scrub the floor, on your hands and knees for me, while I read a book on the couch, where I can watch you. You'll like that.” She has done this so many times now that she can tell me to go and scrub the kitchen floor while she goes shopping at her favorite bookstore, knowing that by the time she returns the floor will be clean and I will also be in a desperate state of arousal, ready to do whatever else will please her.
For a more extreme example: I am by nature a very jealous person. Mistress knows this. However, over the last few months, Mistress Laura has slowly teased me about having sex with a male acquaintance of ours, call him “Bill,” communicating with me very clearly about how much it would turn her on. What does this do to me on the inside? I have a rush of excitement, wanting to please her, wanting to see her excitement, even delighting in the thought of my tortured jealousy and unhappiness... I am still jealous, to be sure, but that is secondary to my need to turn her on, to make her happy.
She sometimes punctuates these... conversations or interactions by having me lie on the ground on my back at her feet, naked, while she presses her foot onto my (her) cock and telling me in detail about all the things she thinks about doing with Bill.
A real life snippet of the kinds of things she says to me while I am under her foot, from my memory: “My miserable jealous little boy... maybe I would make you kneel, at the side of the bed, dressed in your pretty little girl skirt and my collar... So you could see clearly, Bill kissing me and pushing me onto the bed and pushing his cock into me... And I know you would want to taste my juices... Because you know it turns me on... and you would, when I would have you suck Bill's cock so he could get hard again for me. You would do that for me, wouldn't you?”
Later, Mistress Laura tells me that she does not think that she would ever actually do such a thing, but she needs me to understand that she could do it, and that I would really have no choice in the matter.
This state of affairs is my choice, of course.
By some perverse definition of choice.
I have no safeword. My relationship with my Mistress is as lopsided as it can possibly be. She holds all the strings: she controls the money and makes all the rules. My body is hers to use. My will is hers to control.
This is all, of course, my choice.
By some definition of choice.
When she tells me to “Strip, slaveboy, and kiss my feet,” my head swims and I am in an erotic fog. I move quickly to obey, disrobing, the very fact of shedding my clothes enhancing my already existing state of vulnerability and surrender. By the time my lips are on her beautiful feet, my mind is already long gone past any thoughtful consideration of “is this really my choice?” or even “is this appropriate or safe?”
Her control of me is like a drug and I thrive on the fear and the arousal inherent in my ever present surrender. I am addicted to my Mistress.
By my own choice...
By some definition of choice.
This state of surrender and naked vulnerability (even when fully clothed) only exists inside the context of my relationship with my Mistress Wife and not in any other random interaction or relationship. It implies a level of trust that is built on experience.
For example, when I contemplate the same situation with an unknown woman who I somehow know to be dominant, telling me to strip and to kneel at her feet: it is an exciting fantasy but in the reality of the doing, I know that I would be very guarded inside; all of my emotional and mental armor would be fully operational and the act would feel like an empty gesture.
In this context of unconditional surrender, I don't think it is even possible to have a way to have a discussion about what I would like or not like, as equals, apart from the inherent power imbalance that exists. Mistress knows that when I get a whiff of something that pleases her that I will start to move my thinking and my feelings in the direction of trying to please her.
She uses this fact to her advantage and to my miserable delight.
For a relatively minor example: Early on in our relationship, she told me that it turned her on to see me naked, on my hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor. Immediately, that statement created in my mind an urge to scrub the kitchen floor. Mistress further used this urge by rationing it. She would have me do a quick cursory sweep of the kitchen floor two or three weekends in a row, and would say something like “And maybe next week, I'll let you scrub the floor, on your hands and knees for me, while I read a book on the couch, where I can watch you. You'll like that.” She has done this so many times now that she can tell me to go and scrub the kitchen floor while she goes shopping at her favorite bookstore, knowing that by the time she returns the floor will be clean and I will also be in a desperate state of arousal, ready to do whatever else will please her.
For a more extreme example: I am by nature a very jealous person. Mistress knows this. However, over the last few months, Mistress Laura has slowly teased me about having sex with a male acquaintance of ours, call him “Bill,” communicating with me very clearly about how much it would turn her on. What does this do to me on the inside? I have a rush of excitement, wanting to please her, wanting to see her excitement, even delighting in the thought of my tortured jealousy and unhappiness... I am still jealous, to be sure, but that is secondary to my need to turn her on, to make her happy.
She sometimes punctuates these... conversations or interactions by having me lie on the ground on my back at her feet, naked, while she presses her foot onto my (her) cock and telling me in detail about all the things she thinks about doing with Bill.
A real life snippet of the kinds of things she says to me while I am under her foot, from my memory: “My miserable jealous little boy... maybe I would make you kneel, at the side of the bed, dressed in your pretty little girl skirt and my collar... So you could see clearly, Bill kissing me and pushing me onto the bed and pushing his cock into me... And I know you would want to taste my juices... Because you know it turns me on... and you would, when I would have you suck Bill's cock so he could get hard again for me. You would do that for me, wouldn't you?”
Later, Mistress Laura tells me that she does not think that she would ever actually do such a thing, but she needs me to understand that she could do it, and that I would really have no choice in the matter.
This state of affairs is my choice, of course.
By some perverse definition of choice.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Mistress "outed" us to a friend
Since the beginning, Mistress Laura has had some fairly strict privacy boundaries around our relationship, especially as it relates to some of her oldest friends. That all changed a couple of weekends ago.
The upcoming Monday, February 18th, was President's Day, a holiday from my work, so I was going to get to spend almost four straight days at home, starting with Friday night.
Friday night, Mistress told me to get naked and to kneel at her feet while she watched television. I happily did this, at times rubbing her feet and in the process becoming more and more aroused. There's nothing like being made to be naked and vulnerable in front of my fully clothed Mistress to put me in my proper place. In this particular instance, this feeling was enhanced greatly when Mistress told me “Looks like my cock and balls are a bit hairy. I don't like that. Go shave them smooth like a little boy's and come back.”
I did as I was told, shaving off the hairs from my cock and balls and applying nair to get the hair off around my ass and under my balls. About twenty minutes later, I was kneeling at my Mistress's feet again.
“You've been a bit sloppy lately. You used to shave yourself smooth for me every day. Now I think you've let it go to once every few days at times. We're going to stop the sloppiness this weekend.”
“Yes Mistress,” this seemed to me to be the only appropriate response, which I gave. Meanwhile, her shaved and baby-smooth cock was standing at full attention, letting her know how much I love it when she starts laying down the law and being more strict with me.
“Do you have any work that you need to do this weekend? Anything you were planning?”
I thought for a minute and replied that I did not.
“Good. From this point on, you will not check Email without my permission. You will not go outside of the house without my permission. You will not go to the bathroom without checking with me, and unless I tell you otherwise, you are to remain naked in my presence. Do you understand, slaveboy?”
“Yes Ma'am.”
She then had me kiss her feet and then set me to the task of housecleaning, starting with vacuuming and laundry. I kept to her rules all Friday. Saturday was spent cooking and continuing to clean house for my Mistress, mostly naked, except for when I was cooking, when I was told to wear one of Mistress Laura's frilly pink aprons and my high heeled shoes. This combination made for a very visible tent pole in the front. ;-)
When Sunday morning rolled around, Mistress Laura told me that an old female friend of hers was going to be visiting us in the early afternoon and that I should be on my best behavior.
“Yes Mistress,” I told her, serving her breakfast and then sitting at her feet, naked.
About an hour later, having finished the last of the laundry and folded it and put it away, I got dressed and took the the dog for a walk, thinking that Mistress could not possibly be serious about having me completely naked in her presence with her old friend visiting and that my “strict” service was pretty much over for the weekend.
I did the normal 40 or so minute walk and returned home to see an unfamiliar car in the driveway. I took the dog back inside and saw that Mistress Laura was sitting with her friend in the living room.
“Come here, Tom, I want you to meet Susan,” she called to me when she saw that I had returned.
I came over to the couch and shook hands with Susan, a slim woman with curly blond hair who held my gaze with the most inquisitive expression, as if she was about to ask me something. The moment passed without her asking the question, however.
“Glad to meet you.” I said, feeling comfortable.
I noticed that Mistress Laura was looking on with amusement at some private joke and I was suddenly feeling very unsettled.
“Sue and I are college friends. We used to tell each other everything that was going on in our lives,”
She paused, then continued, her tone suddenly changing as she leaned forward and I felt the heat of her intense attention. “Thomas, my boy, I appreciate your taking the dog for a walk, but I did not give you permission to leave the house, did I?”
My cheeks were suddenly hot and I could not look at my Mistress, I shifted my gaze downward and felt really small, embarrassed beyond words, and did not say anything. There was a very awkward moment of silence.
“slaveboy, answer me.”
“No Ma'am. You did not give me permission.”
“And there's another thing. I remember telling you quite clearly that you were to be naked in my presence unless I tell you otherwise. Did I tell you that you could wear clothes just because my friend was visiting? If it was going to be an issue, I would have told you exactly how I wanted you dressed before she got here. Do you think that you can decide these things for yourself?”
I just stood there, dumbly looking down at the ground. The hot feeling in my cheeks extended all the way down my neck and even onto the top of my shoulders. I felt myself sweating as if in fear.
“Take off your clothes now, then kiss my feet, and sit down there.”
Slowly, I undressed, putting my shoes and socks in the corner of the room, then my jeans and t-shirt were neatly folded and joined the pile, and finally my briefs. I knelt at my Mistress's feet, my shaved cock shamelessly at full attention even as my face practically burned with my embarrassment.
“See, just like I told you,” I heard Mistress Laura say as I put my lips on her feet.
“Wow. I thought you were joking. It's real?!?” Susan said. Looking up from the ground for a second, I saw that she was smiling down at me and that made me feel a little bit better. She seemed to be okay with this, but I should have known that, or else Mistress would not have had me do this in front of her.
I sat back down on the ground at Mistress's feet, silent, as she continued conversing with Susan. I don't know how long it was, but about ten, maybe fifteen minutes passed and it seemed to feel normal, my sitting naked at my Mistress's feet even as she talked with her friend. I was her pet, her slave, just another accessory in her life.
A while later, Mistress had me serve tea for her and Susan while wearing my high heels and new “pretty clothes.” (the extra lacey and see through black women's lingerie top she had recently bought for me). That outfit seemed to make Susan smile wide, which made me feel very very small.
After serving tea, Mistress told me to get completely naked again and clean the bathrooms, “and make sure to scrub the inside and the outside of all the toilet bowls.”
“Yes Mistress,” I said, taking off my pretty things and getting the yellow latex gloves and my bucket of cleaning solutions and going off to scrub toilets.
Later, after Susan left, Mistress Laura inspected my work and said that I did a good job but that she needed to teach me a lesson about obeying her orders completely.
She caned me that night (which at this point is more than a week ago) and I still have a couple of stripes across my ass from that caning. After the caning, she let me eat her pussy till she orgasmed, but denied me any release.
Since then, I have been much more attentive and have felt more solidly “owned” by my Mistress.
The upcoming Monday, February 18th, was President's Day, a holiday from my work, so I was going to get to spend almost four straight days at home, starting with Friday night.
Friday night, Mistress told me to get naked and to kneel at her feet while she watched television. I happily did this, at times rubbing her feet and in the process becoming more and more aroused. There's nothing like being made to be naked and vulnerable in front of my fully clothed Mistress to put me in my proper place. In this particular instance, this feeling was enhanced greatly when Mistress told me “Looks like my cock and balls are a bit hairy. I don't like that. Go shave them smooth like a little boy's and come back.”
I did as I was told, shaving off the hairs from my cock and balls and applying nair to get the hair off around my ass and under my balls. About twenty minutes later, I was kneeling at my Mistress's feet again.
“You've been a bit sloppy lately. You used to shave yourself smooth for me every day. Now I think you've let it go to once every few days at times. We're going to stop the sloppiness this weekend.”
“Yes Mistress,” this seemed to me to be the only appropriate response, which I gave. Meanwhile, her shaved and baby-smooth cock was standing at full attention, letting her know how much I love it when she starts laying down the law and being more strict with me.
“Do you have any work that you need to do this weekend? Anything you were planning?”
I thought for a minute and replied that I did not.
“Good. From this point on, you will not check Email without my permission. You will not go outside of the house without my permission. You will not go to the bathroom without checking with me, and unless I tell you otherwise, you are to remain naked in my presence. Do you understand, slaveboy?”
“Yes Ma'am.”
She then had me kiss her feet and then set me to the task of housecleaning, starting with vacuuming and laundry. I kept to her rules all Friday. Saturday was spent cooking and continuing to clean house for my Mistress, mostly naked, except for when I was cooking, when I was told to wear one of Mistress Laura's frilly pink aprons and my high heeled shoes. This combination made for a very visible tent pole in the front. ;-)
When Sunday morning rolled around, Mistress Laura told me that an old female friend of hers was going to be visiting us in the early afternoon and that I should be on my best behavior.
“Yes Mistress,” I told her, serving her breakfast and then sitting at her feet, naked.
About an hour later, having finished the last of the laundry and folded it and put it away, I got dressed and took the the dog for a walk, thinking that Mistress could not possibly be serious about having me completely naked in her presence with her old friend visiting and that my “strict” service was pretty much over for the weekend.
I did the normal 40 or so minute walk and returned home to see an unfamiliar car in the driveway. I took the dog back inside and saw that Mistress Laura was sitting with her friend in the living room.
“Come here, Tom, I want you to meet Susan,” she called to me when she saw that I had returned.
I came over to the couch and shook hands with Susan, a slim woman with curly blond hair who held my gaze with the most inquisitive expression, as if she was about to ask me something. The moment passed without her asking the question, however.
“Glad to meet you.” I said, feeling comfortable.
I noticed that Mistress Laura was looking on with amusement at some private joke and I was suddenly feeling very unsettled.
“Sue and I are college friends. We used to tell each other everything that was going on in our lives,”
She paused, then continued, her tone suddenly changing as she leaned forward and I felt the heat of her intense attention. “Thomas, my boy, I appreciate your taking the dog for a walk, but I did not give you permission to leave the house, did I?”
My cheeks were suddenly hot and I could not look at my Mistress, I shifted my gaze downward and felt really small, embarrassed beyond words, and did not say anything. There was a very awkward moment of silence.
“slaveboy, answer me.”
“No Ma'am. You did not give me permission.”
“And there's another thing. I remember telling you quite clearly that you were to be naked in my presence unless I tell you otherwise. Did I tell you that you could wear clothes just because my friend was visiting? If it was going to be an issue, I would have told you exactly how I wanted you dressed before she got here. Do you think that you can decide these things for yourself?”
I just stood there, dumbly looking down at the ground. The hot feeling in my cheeks extended all the way down my neck and even onto the top of my shoulders. I felt myself sweating as if in fear.
“Take off your clothes now, then kiss my feet, and sit down there.”
Slowly, I undressed, putting my shoes and socks in the corner of the room, then my jeans and t-shirt were neatly folded and joined the pile, and finally my briefs. I knelt at my Mistress's feet, my shaved cock shamelessly at full attention even as my face practically burned with my embarrassment.
“See, just like I told you,” I heard Mistress Laura say as I put my lips on her feet.
“Wow. I thought you were joking. It's real?!?” Susan said. Looking up from the ground for a second, I saw that she was smiling down at me and that made me feel a little bit better. She seemed to be okay with this, but I should have known that, or else Mistress would not have had me do this in front of her.
I sat back down on the ground at Mistress's feet, silent, as she continued conversing with Susan. I don't know how long it was, but about ten, maybe fifteen minutes passed and it seemed to feel normal, my sitting naked at my Mistress's feet even as she talked with her friend. I was her pet, her slave, just another accessory in her life.
A while later, Mistress had me serve tea for her and Susan while wearing my high heels and new “pretty clothes.” (the extra lacey and see through black women's lingerie top she had recently bought for me). That outfit seemed to make Susan smile wide, which made me feel very very small.
After serving tea, Mistress told me to get completely naked again and clean the bathrooms, “and make sure to scrub the inside and the outside of all the toilet bowls.”
“Yes Mistress,” I said, taking off my pretty things and getting the yellow latex gloves and my bucket of cleaning solutions and going off to scrub toilets.
Later, after Susan left, Mistress Laura inspected my work and said that I did a good job but that she needed to teach me a lesson about obeying her orders completely.
She caned me that night (which at this point is more than a week ago) and I still have a couple of stripes across my ass from that caning. After the caning, she let me eat her pussy till she orgasmed, but denied me any release.
Since then, I have been much more attentive and have felt more solidly “owned” by my Mistress.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Once again, I return, on Mistress's command
Hi everyone. It's been a few months since I have written.
In the intervening months, a lot has happened, and nothing has happened.
Mistress Laura and I just got busier and busier, with the pace of life just not seeming to slow down at all.
Most of the parts of our daily routines and rituals remained intact, but for me (and I think for my Mistress too), there was not much enthusiasm. Things had gotten a bit robotic till a couple of weeks ago.
That's when Mistress sat me down and told me that we need to spend more time focusing on our relationship and finding time for me to serve her more again. She asked me about what makes me feel “more connected.” I told her that I felt connected to her and felt most like serving her when I take the time to read and write in in this blog and read about the experiences of other submissive men.
So... as a result of that conversation, now I am here on my Mistress's command. No matter how busy things get, I am to spend a bit of time here, writing and reading, sharing my experiences.
Things have been very busy (work life, mostly) but even so, just writing here calms me down and excites me for some reason. Mistress knows best. :-) :-)
In the intervening months, a lot has happened, and nothing has happened.
Mistress Laura and I just got busier and busier, with the pace of life just not seeming to slow down at all.
Most of the parts of our daily routines and rituals remained intact, but for me (and I think for my Mistress too), there was not much enthusiasm. Things had gotten a bit robotic till a couple of weeks ago.
That's when Mistress sat me down and told me that we need to spend more time focusing on our relationship and finding time for me to serve her more again. She asked me about what makes me feel “more connected.” I told her that I felt connected to her and felt most like serving her when I take the time to read and write in in this blog and read about the experiences of other submissive men.
So... as a result of that conversation, now I am here on my Mistress's command. No matter how busy things get, I am to spend a bit of time here, writing and reading, sharing my experiences.
Things have been very busy (work life, mostly) but even so, just writing here calms me down and excites me for some reason. Mistress knows best. :-) :-)
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