Friday, March 14, 2008

The everyday rules that keep me focused on my Mistress

Every once in a while, I find it useful to take a step back and observe the little rituals and expectations that almost go unnoticed now through daily usage. These are Mistress's rules of conduct that keep my head in the right place. All of these little interactions and bits of formality have grown organically over the last couple of years.

I have come to the conclusion that these daily transactions are more important in the long run than almost anything else in maintaining the D/s energy in our FemDom lifestyle. I would be interested in hearing from others if they have similar experiences (both from the dominant and submissive perspectives).

When I leave for work, I give Mistress Laura a kiss goodbye on the lips. If I forget to do it on my own, she then prompts me, “Now give me a proper goodbye kiss, slaveboy,” and I kneel and kiss her feet. I admit that I sometimes “forget” on purpose so she can prompt me. :-)

When I return from work, I am expected to get completely naked and kneel in her office without saying a word. She is often in the middle of finishing some paperwork or writing an Email. Sometimes it takes her a few minutes (I think she is slow on purpose) before she turns around and allows me to kiss her feet. Even then, I am not allowed to say anything till she starts talking to me. I actually like the delicious anticipation and the uncomfortable vulnerable silence that underscores my place in the relationship.

When we go out to eat, I always open the doors and I pull out her chair before sitting down. She often orders for both of us. After the food arrives I put servings on her plate and wait. She will often eat a few bites before she nods, telling me that I may serve myself now.

When she takes me to a movie, she will often specify exactly how she wants me to be dressed. Often, it's “business casual,” but sometimes she will have me wear shorts and a t-shirt without any underwear so that she can put her hand on my thighs and be amused by the tent growing in my shorts.

When we watch TV, I am almost always naked and sitting at her feet. Sometimes she will tell me to massage her feet while she watches TV. On rare and blissfull occasions she will have me licking her pussy while she watches TV. All in all, the impression I am left with is that I am here to pleasure her and to make her life easier. Of course, eating her out like that always makes me horny, but she does not seem to care too much about that (which is exactly as I like it, even if I whine from time to time).

She recently bought a bell that she will ring randomly throughout the day. When I hear the bell, no matter what I am doing, I am to come and kneel by her feet so that she can tell me what she wants. When I hear the bell, my stomach does a little flip-flop and I am at her feet as quickly as I am able. Sometimes she will ring the bell when she knows I am in the middle of something that is absorbing my attention just to see me kneel there, then she will just grin and say “Good boy. Go back to what you were doing.” Frustrating, maddening and hot, all at the same time. :-)

I am to address her as “Ma'am” or “My Lady” in public. Her friends (except now for Susan) just think I am being romantic, which I am, but it's more about respect and deference. Another rule of hers is that I may never argue with her in public. We may argue in private, but you will mostly hear me saying things like “Yes Ma'am.” when we are discussing anything in public.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Very much in need of a release

When I got home tonight, Mistress sent me to the video store to get some movies, and we watched “Darjeeling Limited”

Afterwards, she had me shave my face again and meet her in the bedroom.

In the bedroom, she basically instructed me to give her a nice long massage, relaxing her from head to toe. After about 20 minutes, she flipped over onto her back and pushed my face into her furry pussy.

I love the way she smells and tastes and seeing her curly pubic hair turns me on very much. I enthusiastically licked her, following her verbal instructions to the letter (“Slow down. A little higher. Circle round. Uh huh. Good boy...”) and she had a full body tensing orgasm with an accompanying guttural sound that just about drove me nuts.

Then she rolled over and fell asleep.

This is the third night this week that she has used me like this, without any hint of giving me a release. I am very tempted to masturbate, but I won't. I know that when she finally gives me a release, it will be much better than anything I could do by myself.

Goodnight, everyone. Hope your weekend is a good one!

Friday, March 07, 2008

Thoughts about consent in a fulltime FemDom relationship

The comment made by strongnsubmissive in response to my previous post prompted me to ruminate on the idea of consent.

I have no safeword. My relationship with my Mistress is as lopsided as it can possibly be. She holds all the strings: she controls the money and makes all the rules. My body is hers to use. My will is hers to control.

This is all, of course, my choice.

By some definition of choice.

When she tells me to “Strip, slaveboy, and kiss my feet,” my head swims and I am in an erotic fog. I move quickly to obey, disrobing, the very fact of shedding my clothes enhancing my already existing state of vulnerability and surrender. By the time my lips are on her beautiful feet, my mind is already long gone past any thoughtful consideration of “is this really my choice?” or even “is this appropriate or safe?”

Her control of me is like a drug and I thrive on the fear and the arousal inherent in my ever present surrender. I am addicted to my Mistress.

By my own choice...

By some definition of choice.

This state of surrender and naked vulnerability (even when fully clothed) only exists inside the context of my relationship with my Mistress Wife and not in any other random interaction or relationship. It implies a level of trust that is built on experience.

For example, when I contemplate the same situation with an unknown woman who I somehow know to be dominant, telling me to strip and to kneel at her feet: it is an exciting fantasy but in the reality of the doing, I know that I would be very guarded inside; all of my emotional and mental armor would be fully operational and the act would feel like an empty gesture.

In this context of unconditional surrender, I don't think it is even possible to have a way to have a discussion about what I would like or not like, as equals, apart from the inherent power imbalance that exists. Mistress knows that when I get a whiff of something that pleases her that I will start to move my thinking and my feelings in the direction of trying to please her.

She uses this fact to her advantage and to my miserable delight.

For a relatively minor example: Early on in our relationship, she told me that it turned her on to see me naked, on my hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor. Immediately, that statement created in my mind an urge to scrub the kitchen floor. Mistress further used this urge by rationing it. She would have me do a quick cursory sweep of the kitchen floor two or three weekends in a row, and would say something like “And maybe next week, I'll let you scrub the floor, on your hands and knees for me, while I read a book on the couch, where I can watch you. You'll like that.” She has done this so many times now that she can tell me to go and scrub the kitchen floor while she goes shopping at her favorite bookstore, knowing that by the time she returns the floor will be clean and I will also be in a desperate state of arousal, ready to do whatever else will please her.

For a more extreme example: I am by nature a very jealous person. Mistress knows this. However, over the last few months, Mistress Laura has slowly teased me about having sex with a male acquaintance of ours, call him “Bill,” communicating with me very clearly about how much it would turn her on. What does this do to me on the inside? I have a rush of excitement, wanting to please her, wanting to see her excitement, even delighting in the thought of my tortured jealousy and unhappiness... I am still jealous, to be sure, but that is secondary to my need to turn her on, to make her happy.

She sometimes punctuates these... conversations or interactions by having me lie on the ground on my back at her feet, naked, while she presses her foot onto my (her) cock and telling me in detail about all the things she thinks about doing with Bill.

A real life snippet of the kinds of things she says to me while I am under her foot, from my memory: “My miserable jealous little boy... maybe I would make you kneel, at the side of the bed, dressed in your pretty little girl skirt and my collar... So you could see clearly, Bill kissing me and pushing me onto the bed and pushing his cock into me... And I know you would want to taste my juices... Because you know it turns me on... and you would, when I would have you suck Bill's cock so he could get hard again for me. You would do that for me, wouldn't you?”

Later, Mistress Laura tells me that she does not think that she would ever actually do such a thing, but she needs me to understand that she could do it, and that I would really have no choice in the matter.

This state of affairs is my choice, of course.

By some perverse definition of choice.